satire

Blackwood Gazette #45: New Novel Imagines a World Without Blackwood

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Alex Grosset, Arts and Entertainment

23/7- What would our society be like if not for the discovery of Blackwood? That’s the question posed by author Clement Aldridge Kene in his new novel, The Gutted Earth.

The book takes place in a fantasy world, in the fictional land called Almeria. In it, humankind finds itself on the verge of a world dominated by steam based technology, only to discover such a thing would be unsustainable for more than a few years.

“The only reason our own technology has been able to develop along steam based lines is Blackwood,” said Kene in a press release. “Blackwood isn’t a naturally occurring substance, but an alchemically created one. Now, imagine a world where Blackwood didn’t exist…we’d quickly find that a steam based society could not last more than a few decades. Entire forests would be leveled for wood, coal mines depleted. Where would the world turn?”

Kene writes that his first instinct was to imagine a purely electric based world, but that idea was scrapped.

“With electricity, you’d still need a fuel source to produce it,” said Kene. “So I did some research and found a real world analogue, in Sarnwain’s recent developments with refining oil.”

In the book, humanity develops the ‘internal combustion engine’, and technology develops along oil based lines. The results are horrific.

“We know from our own failed attempts at developing oil based tech that fuel combustion is less than savory,” said Kene. “Imagine a world where everyone has an auto powered not by the soothing pops and bubbles of a boiler, but the grating, thunderous boom of a mechanical beast burning oil and coughing thick, soot ridden smoke into the air.”

What makes the novel even more disturbing, Kene warns, is that the world imagined in his book could be something that actually happens in the next two hundred years.

“Blackwood, theoretically, is a renewable resource. The problem is, the alchemical process has been lost; no one knows how to make more. And we’ve all heard the rumors that, as our influence spreads across the globe, so does the need for Blackwood. Blackwood may burn clean, and it may burn slow, but it won’t burn forever.”

The Gutted Earth will be released serially, and makes its debut next month in Stories of the Strange Monthly.

Blackwood Gazette #45: New Novel Imagines a World Without Blackwood

Blackwood Gazette #42: Letters to the Editor, Week of 14-18/7, 280 YoT

rybpierce, , , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Maurice Merchant, Editor in Chief

I feel I must take umbrage at the way you are reporting the Waystation Bravo Incident. A few days ago, you reported that a device had been discovered attached to the station’s boiler. But you failed to report on the theories concerning what that device might be, including the fact that some believe it is responsible for the storm that caused the station to go missing in the first place. Call me crazy, but isn’t that a huge part of this puzzle?

Vermina, in Walsh

Dear Crazy,
We here at the Gazette are fully aware of the speculation surrounding the purpose of the device in question. We did not report on it at that time because the speculation did not exist. And even if it had, that speculation is not being put forth by the investigators involved. In fact, the only source I can find that is putting forth the notion that the device some how controlled the weather is Oculus, a man who puts forth no evidence for his ‘theories’…he simply makes broad statements, and when something happens that even remotely resembles those statements, claims to have predicted the event.
Don’t believe everything you read in the paper, Vermina. Unless it’s ours, of course.

****

Mister Merchant:
I cannot believe that a paper as (formerly) prestigious as the Blackwood Gazette would hire a writer like that Eli Knickeannie Wilderspinner. He’s such a HACK!!! How dare he suggest we give a medal to that TERRORIST and PIRATE Roderick La Pierre. It’s because of HIM that the Crowndon military is about to be forced to MURDER a bunch workers at that factory. You should FIRE Wilder-Ninny immediately, because if you don’t, I will UNSUBSCRIBE. That goes for your entire Nor Eastern office, too. FIRE THEM ALL!!!! Your FATHER would be ASHAMED, Mister Merchant. ASHAMED. And you should be ASHAMED. SHAME ON YOU, Mister Merchant. You HACK.

Charles, in Toring

Dear Charles,
NO.

****

is it true that adella chatelaine is leaving the gazette i heard shes leaving the gazette is it true i don’t want her to leave shes the best thing to happen to the gazette in forever and shes the reason i started reading you cant let her go her articles are the only thing that gets me through because shes just that good and if something happens to her in the colonies then im gonna hold you responsible mister merchant this is just your way of getting rid of the nor eastern branch isnt it you jingoistic bastard i know people in monteddor and i know people in sarnwain and in rommsbach so you better watch out how could you do this
thank you for your time

adellafan, in sau anoit

Dear adellafan,
Miss Chatelaine is not leaving the Gazette. Her role has simply changed. And I have not sent her anywhere; she chose to pursue the story with Veronica Trenum on her own accord, and I wholly support her decision. It will lead to great things in her career. She is a brilliant writer and the Lelina story is a huge development in the field of archaeology. So please, call off your dogs in Monteddor and Sarnwain and Rommsbach and wherever else you know people, and calm down. Perhaps seek the professional services of a therapist, or maybe a copy editor.

Blackwood Gazette #42: Letters to the Editor, Week of 14-18/7, 280 YoT

Blackwood Gazette #41: Crowndon Military Issues Ultimatum to Klankenvroot Workers

rybpierce, , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Hunter O’Leary, Business

17/7-The saga of Klankenvroot Industries’ workers strike has taken a disturbing turn, as Crowndon has threatened to send troops in if the strike isn’t resolved.

“This isn’t just about workers rights,” said one Crowndon official. “This is now a matter of National Decorum. It is imperative that Crowndon gets the Heisenberg in the air before Rigel Rinkenbach. Rinkenbach and Nor Easter already embarrassed us once during the war…we must not allow that to happen again. We do not make this proclamation easily, but if Rinkenbach wins this challenge, it will cause irreparable damage to our Imperial standing. Which is why, if those workers on strike do not return to their positions on the line, they, their immediate families, and any pets will be charged with treason and punished accordingly.”

Upon making the declaration, many of the Klankenvroot workers broke their protest and returned to the factory floor. However, a small number of protestors remain, led by organizer Upton Monroe.

“We will not lay down in the face of government oppression,” Monroe said. “To do so would send the message that the people can be bullied into submission. It would be the first step back to a time of draconian rule, when the Crown ruled with an iron fist. If they want to turn this into a matter of national interest, they’re going to get more than they bargained for.”

The general opinion amongst those on strike was that the Crown is simply posturing. However, shortly before this printing, the Gazette has received reports that troops are mobilizing from the nearby garrison. We will continue to monitor the situation closely.

Blackwood Gazette #41: Crowndon Military Issues Ultimatum to Klankenvroot Workers

Blackwood Gazette #39: Construction Begins on the New Empress Theater in Oeil de Fleur

rybpierce, , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Alex Grosset, Arts and Entertainment

15/7-The art community of Nor Easter came out in droves this weekend to attend the groundbreaking ceremony for the new Empress Theater in Oeil de Fleur. The original theater, which served as a center for dramatic arts in the Triumvirate for over a century, was tragically claimed during a fire earlier this year.

The theater’s rebuild is being funded by patrons from around the Triumvirate. Among those patrons is Delando, who very publicly provided nearly half of the necessary funding. It was during a performance of his most recent play, “The Fires of D’kalm D’korr”, that the previous theater burned down.

“The loss of the original building is a shame,” a representative for the notoriously reclusive playwright said. “But this rebuild should be approached as a chance for renewal, and hailed as the birth of a new era in Nor Eastern drama. The new building will be outfitted with the newest advances in stage technology, including a modular stage featuring a turn table, light weight and highly customizable rigging for lights and stage dressing, and most importantly, an updated fire suppression system.”

The names of those who died in the fire were read at the ceremony, though it was cut short for the purposes of time. Shortly thereafter, a plaque featuring the names of the theater’s highest paying contributors was unveiled. The plaque will be mounted on the lobby wall. A relief of Delando’s face is the centerpiece of the plaque.

The new Empress theater is scheduled to receive patrons this winter. It’s first show will be the re-opening of “Fires”, currently on hiatus due to an investigation, which showed no wrong doing on Delando’s part.

 

Blackwood Gazette #39: Construction Begins on the New Empress Theater in Oeil de Fleur

Blackwood Gazette #38: De Santana Refining Attacked; Owner’s Heiress Suspected

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Chester Seaton, News

14/7-The estate of Blackwood magnate Marco De Santana is on lock-down today as officials state that several of his holdings came under attack over the weekend.

The rash of violence began late last week, when several armed men raided a distribution center on the outskirts of the Monteddorian capital. The culprits gained access to the facility using a De Santana Refining airship.

“We were completely caught off guard,” said the only survivor of the raid, whose name is being withheld for his own protection. “There was no warning. No reports of a ship going missing or being hijacked. The ship was even scheduled, and the men wore the uniform of De Santana’s fleet. They disembarked from the ship and just kind of blended in.”

It was then, officials say, that the attackers struck, killing everyone but the lone factory worker. They then loaded the two empty ships at the site full of Blackwood, and stole another that was completely loaded up. They then sabotaged the equipment and flew away. Since then, several other De Santana owned locations throughout Monteddor have been hit.

The Monteddorian Air Guard claims that it has no concrete idea on who the culprits were, but they believe the raid was led by an insider. De Santana himself, however, has an idea.

“It’s Yolanda! My sweet little girl, making her move. She’s looking to usurp me. That’s why she didn’t destroy the factory outright, just crippled it. Believe me, I recognize the M.O. It’s exactly what I did when I took over!”

When asked if he was worried, De Santana laughed.

“Of course not! I taught her everything she knows, but I didn’t teach her everything I know. I have no doubt that I’ll be able to bring her to heel before long. I kind of have to admit, though, part of me is rooting for the old girl. She IS my daughter, after all. Ha ha!”

Blackwood Gazette #38: De Santana Refining Attacked; Owner’s Heiress Suspected

Blackwood Gazette #37- Rinkenbach Offers Bail-out; Klankenvroot Refuses

rybpierce, , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Hunter O’Leary, Business

10/7- The Rinkenbach/Klankenvroot rivalry took a bizarre twist yesterday. In response to news that Klankenvroot Industries was having a difficult time paying its employees, which have gone on strike, it seems that none other than Rigel Rinkenbach reached out to Klankenvroot with a proposal to help supplement the payroll, so that salaries could be met. Klankenvroot promptly refused.

“This isn’t charity,” said a spokesperson for Klankenvroot. “There is no altruistic motive here on the part of Rinkenbach. This was meant as an insult, pure and simple. I wouldn’t be surprised if, had we reached out to take the extended hand, Rinkenbach would have pulled it back at the last second.”

We asked Rinkenbach himself for comment.

“There’s some truth to that, yes,” he said. “It was such an open opportunity to give my rival a friendly ribbing, I couldn’t help but take it. It isn’t the complete truth, of course. I really do want Ivan to stay in the race…it isn’t often someone gets it into their head to challenge me. I was quite enjoying myself before this happened. With his production at a stand-still, I’ve become bored. Also, employee well being and all that, of course.”

As for the workers, they were understandably livid when they learned of Klankenvroot’s refusal to accept help.

“The damn fool is letting his pride get in the way of what needs to be done,” said Upton Monroe, the workers’ unofficial spokesperson. “We want to get this plane built, but we’re not going to do it for nothing. Klankenvroot could have turned this to his advantage; take Rinkenbach’s damn money, and beat him with it. But the man is too short sighted. Several of the workers are thinking of leaving Crowndon now, to work for Rinkenbach. I don’t condone that personally, but once the idea gets in people’s heads, a lot more are going to leave.”

Blackwood Gazette #37- Rinkenbach Offers Bail-out; Klankenvroot Refuses

Blackwood Gazette #26: Rigel Rinkenbach and Pixie Sinclaire Spotted in Oeil de Fleur Concurrently; Rumors Fly

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Alex Grosset, Arts and Entertainment (and now Celebrity Gossip, Apparently)

23/6- The tabloids are in a frenzy today as NorEaster’s favorite former power couple, Rigel Rinkenbach and Pixie Sinclaire, were both seen in Oeil de Fleur last week. This prompted rumors about the possibility of the estranged duo getting back together.

Sources indeed confirm that Rinkenbach and Sinclaire both were in Oeil de Fleur last week; Rinkenbach was spotted at the popular brothel Big Bessie’s Burlesque, sipping Absinthe and discussing something with a group of fellow alchemists. Sinclaire, meanwhile, was reportedly visiting the death bed of an old war comrade, on the other side of town.

Despite not actually being seen anywhere approaching the immediate vicinity of one another, the imagination of the citizenry has gone completely mental. Many approach the rumors with innocent optimism:

“Oh, I hope it’s true!” said Valina Neri, a baker in south end. “They were so fun to read about when they were together…two of the world’s greatest minds, traveling the world, getting in adventures…I miss those days.”

While others have taken the non-news to daunting levels of psychosis:

“I have been waiting in this alley for three days,” said one man, who didn’t offer his name. “I am hoping to get a glimpse of Rigel and Pixie together. When I do, I am going to give them this diorama I made.”

Trust me, dear readers, you  do not want to know what the diorama depicted or what was holding it together. On another note, the alley was nowhere near either location. It was outside my domicile, which disturbs me greatly.

Correction: In issue 24, we misspelled the name of our meteorologist source. His name is “Bretodeau”, not “Bredoteau.”

Blackwood Gazette #26: Rigel Rinkenbach and Pixie Sinclaire Spotted in Oeil de Fleur Concurrently; Rumors Fly

Blackwood Gazette #25: Von Grimm Gang Terrorizes Colonial Frontier

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

VON_GRIMMWANTED

by Chester Seaton, News

19/6- Doctor Argyle Von Grimm, a.k.a. the Mad Mechanist of Mosaille, has reared his head once more, this time along the frontier of the Imperial Colonies. Even worse, he has brought a gang of mechanically enhanced malcontents with him.

For the last month, Colonial authorities report that Von Grimm has attacked, occupied, or reduced to ash at least fifteen frontier townships.

“He may go on about etiquette and protocol, but he’s little more than a mad dog with a doctorate,” said Marshall Nathaniel Harper. “He rides into town with his gang, all of ’em missing arms or legs or sometimes eyes, all replaced with clockwork appendages. He goads some poor sod to anger, gives a speech about manners, and then proceeds to wrecking the place. A real villain, that one.”

The Colonial Marshals are at a loss on how to deal with Von Grimm and his gang. To date, they have sent several posses after the miscreant, and to date, each of these posses have turned up buried to their necks in the sand, their heads swollen from the desert sun. Law men refuse to deal with the situation out of fear, and many settlers have started migrating back east.

“There ain’t nothing out there worth dealing with a man like that,” said Sally Sommerfield, mother of sixteen children and grandmother of eight, four times widowed, two at the hands of Von Grimm. “He doesn’t just destroy towns. Once saw him kick a puppy. Crossed the street to do it, too.”

Von Grimm’s reign of terror has put a sizable dent in the trade of furs, coal, and other goods from the frontier. Desperate to put an end to it, the Colonial government has issued a 150,000 dollar bounty for Von Grimm or any member of his gang, dead or alive, and a 10,000 dollar bounty for any leads to the bandit’s hideout that bear fruit. To date, neither bounty has been paid.

Blackwood Gazette #25: Von Grimm Gang Terrorizes Colonial Frontier

Blackwood Gazette #23: Employment Rising in Wake of Rinkenbach/Klankenvroot Rivalry, New Report Shows

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

by Hunter O’Leary, Business

17/6- New reports conducted by the Crowndonian Census Bureau and the NorEastern Department of Tallies and Numbers show that employment in the industrial sector of both Empires has tripled in the wake of Ivan Klankenvroot’s challenge to Rigel Rinkenbach to see who could develop the world’s first workable commercial airplane.

“I am not at all surprised by these numbers,” said the CCB’s head of analytics, Richard Maine. “It is precisely this sort of industrial rivalry that awakens the patriotic spirit of a nation. Even my good for nothing son has been hired. He was hired by Rinkenbach, which is a bit embarrassing to me as a Crowndonian, but at least he’s doing something.”

Outside parties with no stakes in either Crowndon or NorEaster’s national interest are urging a healthy skepticism when reviewing the reports, stating that while there is no doubt that employment has risen in both Empires, the numbers do not reflect the truth.

“NorEaster’s report puts the numbers in their favor,” said one such independent analyst, who asked to remain anonymous. “Crowndon’s report, unsurprisingly, favors itself. These reports are little more than nationalistic propaganda. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rinkenbach and Klankenvroot funded the surveys themselves.”

Hunter O’Leary is the Gazette’s new Business Analyst. He graduated at the top of his class from Walsh Business School. After graduating, he served in the Crowndon military as Keeper of Finances and Sundries during the Dividing War. He has an affinity for pickled cow’s tongue.

Blackwood Gazette #23: Employment Rising in Wake of Rinkenbach/Klankenvroot Rivalry, New Report Shows

Blackwood Gazette #21: The IIC is Lost on Crowndon

rybpierce, , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

by Eli Kinneany Wilderspin, Editorial

13/6- For the past fifty years, the Industry and Innovation Conference has been a beacon of hope in the night, a place where the greatest minds in the Triumvirate, and more specifically, Nor Easter, can come and offer the world a glimpse into a prosperous and wonderful future. Artists, inventors, and philosophers alike have met to speak and share ideas. Many of these ideas have come to fruition and made our lives that much richer. And, for the past fifty years, the Conference has been held in Nor Easter.

It is no surprise then that the first IIC to be held in Crowndon was a vacant shell of what the IIC is and was intended to be. The show was marked by disaster, and most of what was shown had only one purpose: to kill and maim increasingly larger amounts of people in a shorter amount of time.

To put it bluntly, the emphasis put on ‘better’ weapons and military technology showed us all what Crowndon truly is: a nation of barbarians bent not on improving the Triumvirate, but on destroying it. The people of Crowndon are nothing more than remnant troglodytes parading around in suits, putting on a mockery of civilized society, concerned only with finding bigger rocks to throw at anyone not of Crowndonian origin.

The Crowndon military insists that their only intent is to provide security for the Triumvirate as a whole and expand its borders to increase the prosperity of us all. That may be true, for the moment. Their insistence on retaining their identity as Crowndon’s military, rather than the Triumvirate’s, raises serious doubts in my mind.

When I was a child in school, we had a bully that terrorized the rest of us. One day, a larger child stepped up and put the bully in his place. There was peace for a time, but eventually the large child realized just how large he was, and became a bully himself. Crowndon is that large child, ladies and gentlemen, and there is no one larger. What happens when Crowndon realizes just how powerful it is?

Have we forgotten the Dividing War, which ended just three years ago, and how it started? Crowndon tried to exert its size then, and it was Nor Eastern ingenuity that cast them down. But just barely, and I sometimes worry if the ingenuity we employed was in fact just  a piece of Crowndon’s animal drive infecting our collective psyche. If the IIC is meant to be a window into the Triumvirate’s future, then what I saw this year has me concerned. You all should be concerned, as well.

Eli Kinneany Wilderspin is the Blackwood Gazette’s Nor Eastern editorial writer. A graduate of the Empress University, Wilderspin proved himself a sharp and fearless commentator on Triumvirate society, focusing the brunt of his ire on Crowndon. The Gazette, being a Crowndon based paper, has received harsh criticism for hiring Wilderspin, but since we started publishing his articles, sales have gone up not only in Nor Easter, but Crowndon as well.

Blackwood Gazette #21: The IIC is Lost on Crowndon