Blackwood Gazette #179-Letters to the Editor vol. II

By Maurice Merchant, Editor in Chief

14/8- Welcome to another installment of Letters to the Editor, an installment that we don’t do very often because the results are often depressing. Speaking of…

Terry in Terrlytown writes:

Dear Mister Merchant:

What the hell is going on at the Gazette, lately? Every story you write now seems to be about war, or people dying in weird ways, or losing their fortune, or some sort of crisis. It’s depressing, and I don’t like it. I demand that the Gazette take on a more cheerful, uplifting tone! Why not write a story about larri-cats?

Dear Entitlement Issues in Entitlement-ville,

The Gazette is a newspaper. We report the news. If the news is depressing, it is because there are depressing events occurring. And the thing about war is, it spreads. People see a person like Dougherty taking on a person like Julianos, and they start to think, “Hey, our own situation seems a lot like hers. Maybe we should do something about it!” And before you know it, there’s a rebellion in Thankaen, and then in Ganborrah, and word of rebellion in the colonies. That in turn leads to other things, like economic upheaval, or food and fuel shortages, which leads to a harsh winter in Northern Crowndon. A war isn’t just a conflict between two people. It’s a downward spiral for anyone associated with those people.

As for larri-cats, here’s one for you: last spring, a merchant sailor saved a man from a burning building. As a gift, the man the sailor saved gave him a larri-cat as a pet. But the larri-cat isn’t domesticated, and wound up chewing off the sailor’s face. Turns out, the man didn’t want to be saved…he set the fire himself. He intentionally gave the sailor a wild larri-cat as punishment for denying him his own death. That merchant sailor can’t get a job with the reputable merchant companies anymore due to his disfigurement, so he had to go to Libertine’s Roost to find work.

Have a nice day!
*
Chris-Anathem writes:

Mister Merchant:

Word on the streets says that Rinkenbach’s new robo-butlers are leaving their owner’s houses at odd hours and meeting in city parks after dark. There’s also rumors that one of them has been running about Oeil de Fleur, raiding liquor stores and stealing all the absinthe, and another that has taken to visiting the Owl Sanctuary in Sau Anoit. I haven’t seen none of this reported on in the Gazette. Why is that?

Dear Chris:

You haven’t seen it reported on because those rumors are just that: rumors. Most of them spread by that charlatan Oculus, over at the Ex-Humanor. We publish the news, sir. Facts. Not science fictions or the flights of fancy of every backwoods yokel. And while the new Clockwork Butler has indeed exhibited strange behavior, Rinkenbach R&D is aware of the problem and working to fix it. And besides, your postage says you are from a small town In the Middle of Nowhere, so I doubt you have to worry about any disturbance from any automaton of any sort.

Good day, sir.
*
Adellafan writes (oh, good lord, this person again):

i knew it…i knew it i knew i knew it…from the moment you sent adella chatelaine off to the colonies i knew somethingbad was gonna happen to her you sent her off knowing she was gonna disappear and you not doing anything about it i warned you that if something bad happened to adella that i would hold you accountable well hold on mister because a reckoning is at hand i told you i knew people and my cousin from rommsbach is going to have a word with you just as soon as he gets out of his cups which could be a while so if you know where adella is you better go find her and bring her back and don’t tell me pixie sinclaire is looking for her because it seems to me like pixie is doing everything but looking for her goodbye for now love the paper

Dear Adellafan:

You never cease to amaze me. At first I found your daily correspondence alarming, and when the news broke of my dear friend’s disappearance I found it angering and abusive. Now I just find it mildly annoying, and often amusing.

As for Pixie Sinclaire and her search, Miss Sinclaire is a woman of many talents, with a penchant for rooting out problems. While it is disheartening that her search is taking so long, I don’t expect her to overlook another situation along the way that she feels she can fix, such as the Ancroft Assassination Conspiracy. I still believe that she is the most capable person for the job, since the colonial government has all but given up their search.

Don’t worry, adellafan. I’m sure that if and when Miss Chatelaine is found, you’ll somehow be the first to know. Perhaps you’ll see it in a dream, or a chill will go down your spine, or maybe your heart will spontaneously explode from the psychic resonance or whatever else you likely believe in.

Also, I noticed you’ve discovered the ellipsis. Now if you could only learn how to use the period. It’s like the ellipsis, except there’s only one dot instead of three and you use them to break up sentences. Nifty, yes?

This is the last time I will respond to you. Good day.

Blackwood Gazette #179-Letters to the Editor vol. II

Blackwood Gazette #42: Letters to the Editor, Week of 14-18/7, 280 YoT

by Maurice Merchant, Editor in Chief

I feel I must take umbrage at the way you are reporting the Waystation Bravo Incident. A few days ago, you reported that a device had been discovered attached to the station’s boiler. But you failed to report on the theories concerning what that device might be, including the fact that some believe it is responsible for the storm that caused the station to go missing in the first place. Call me crazy, but isn’t that a huge part of this puzzle?

Vermina, in Walsh

Dear Crazy,
We here at the Gazette are fully aware of the speculation surrounding the purpose of the device in question. We did not report on it at that time because the speculation did not exist. And even if it had, that speculation is not being put forth by the investigators involved. In fact, the only source I can find that is putting forth the notion that the device some how controlled the weather is Oculus, a man who puts forth no evidence for his ‘theories’…he simply makes broad statements, and when something happens that even remotely resembles those statements, claims to have predicted the event.
Don’t believe everything you read in the paper, Vermina. Unless it’s ours, of course.

****

Mister Merchant:
I cannot believe that a paper as (formerly) prestigious as the Blackwood Gazette would hire a writer like that Eli Knickeannie Wilderspinner. He’s such a HACK!!! How dare he suggest we give a medal to that TERRORIST and PIRATE Roderick La Pierre. It’s because of HIM that the Crowndon military is about to be forced to MURDER a bunch workers at that factory. You should FIRE Wilder-Ninny immediately, because if you don’t, I will UNSUBSCRIBE. That goes for your entire Nor Eastern office, too. FIRE THEM ALL!!!! Your FATHER would be ASHAMED, Mister Merchant. ASHAMED. And you should be ASHAMED. SHAME ON YOU, Mister Merchant. You HACK.

Charles, in Toring

Dear Charles,
NO.

****

is it true that adella chatelaine is leaving the gazette i heard shes leaving the gazette is it true i don’t want her to leave shes the best thing to happen to the gazette in forever and shes the reason i started reading you cant let her go her articles are the only thing that gets me through because shes just that good and if something happens to her in the colonies then im gonna hold you responsible mister merchant this is just your way of getting rid of the nor eastern branch isnt it you jingoistic bastard i know people in monteddor and i know people in sarnwain and in rommsbach so you better watch out how could you do this
thank you for your time

adellafan, in sau anoit

Dear adellafan,
Miss Chatelaine is not leaving the Gazette. Her role has simply changed. And I have not sent her anywhere; she chose to pursue the story with Veronica Trenum on her own accord, and I wholly support her decision. It will lead to great things in her career. She is a brilliant writer and the Lelina story is a huge development in the field of archaeology. So please, call off your dogs in Monteddor and Sarnwain and Rommsbach and wherever else you know people, and calm down. Perhaps seek the professional services of a therapist, or maybe a copy editor.

Blackwood Gazette #42: Letters to the Editor, Week of 14-18/7, 280 YoT