Month: May 2014

Blackwood Gazette #16: Church of Crowndon Worried about Rash of Recreational Weddings/Divorces

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29/5-In response to the media fervor over the wedding and immediate divorce between Yolanda De Santana and Armin Chevelle last month, the Imperial Church of Crowndon has issued a statement decrying the practice, and others like it in recent years.

“This is a distressing trend,” said the church’s First Primarch. “It erodes the rapidly thinning traditions of our society by playing them as a farce. Younger generations see this and they start asking questions we aren’t prepared to answer. That can not happen!”

Armin Chevelle’s representatives shot back, issuing a statement almost immediately after.

“If they’re so worried about their traditions, perhaps it’s because their so called foundations aren’t very solid to begin with,” the statement read. “The world is changing faster than their rhetoric can keep up, and it scares them. Besides, why the hell should we worry about the opinions of a church half a world away, that we don’t subscribe to? It has no foothold in Nor Easter, and never did. The First Primarch can lick Armin Chevelle’s boots. It wouldn’t be the first time, and we have the film to prove it.”

Yolanda De Santana commented as well.

“I don’t get it. Why are people so preoccupied with what other people do? Mind your own damn business! Live and let live. All we did was have a bit of fun. Nobody got hurt. Just think of it as a really expensive party with a fancy cake.”

On a side note, the footage of the Chevelle/De Santana wedding is expected to hit kinetic viewers next month, divided into fifteen separate thirty second installments, and is reported to have a ten piece viewing fee, as opposed to the typical five. Fans of De Santana and Chevelle are said to already be buying tickets.

“I hear it is completely debauched,” one such fan said, outside of a popular brothel in Oeil de Fleur’s red-light district, one block over from the Imperial Palace. “I can’t wait.”

Blackwood Gazette #16: Church of Crowndon Worried about Rash of Recreational Weddings/Divorces

Blackwood Gazette #15: Imperial Representatives Tease New Joint Project Between Triumvirate Members

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27/5- The Triumvirate is buzzing today with the news of an upcoming reveal of a joint project between the empires. Representatives from Crowndon, Nor Easter, and Monteddor met on the neutral soil of the Divide to announce the upcoming reveal of a large scale, co-operative project.

“We’re working on something on a scale the world has never seen before,” said Admiral Derval McTavish, of Crowndon. “It promises to be a paradigm shift in how we deal with certain problematic aspects of society in the new industrial age.”

The Monteddorian representative, Governor Enoch Haversham, offered a similarly opaque statement.

“This is first time the Triumvirate has worked so closely together on something this large,” Haversham said. “Trust me when I say, it will do wonders for our respective economies and help to further solidify the delicate balance of power that our Empires share.”

The teaser of the upcoming announcement has been met with a mixed reception of pride, confusion, and rampant speculation on the part of the common citizen.

“I don’t know what any of this means,” one man said. “What did they announce again? ‘Something big’? What does that even mean?”

“I’m quite excited about whatever it is they’re doing,” said a Nor Eastern woman. “Any time the powers that be put aside their differences and work together, it’s a good thing. Except of course when it isn’t. Hmm…now I’m skeptical.”

Speculation of what the project might be has sent political analysts into a frenzy.

“It could be an announcement concerning the Blackwood Grove,” one analyst said. “We don’t like to face it, but our stores of Blackwood are running low. Perhaps we’ve decided to investigate the progress Sarnwain has made in refining fossil fuels?”

Conspiracy theorists have come out of the wood work as well, spouting their endlessly entertaining nonsense.

“All of this ‘across the aisle’ business is [expletive removed],” wrote Oculus, the notorious editor of the underground rag, The Exhumanor (not a real word, mind you), and user of excessive exclamation points. “Their[sic] is no damn aisle! The aisle is a sham! This all just a ruse, to get you to look in a different direction! This is the first stage of there[sic] master plan! They’re[sic] plan is to round us up, keep us contained! Just you wait! After that, they’ll kill us all!”

More on this story as it develops.

Blackwood Gazette #15: Imperial Representatives Tease New Joint Project Between Triumvirate Members

Blackwood Gazette #14: Crowndon Investigating Military Applications for Flare Gun Technology

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soldiers_with_flareguns

22/5-It seems as though the flare gun tech that allegedly caused out of control fires during performances of Delando’s fantasy epic ‘Fires of D’Kalm D’Korr’ has attracted the attention of the Crowndon military.

“I can think of a hundred uses for such a device,” said Ground Corps General Henry McTolliver in a conference last night. “They could be used to ignite containment vectors around enemy encampments from a safe distance, or to quickly liberate potential bivouac areas of enemy flora and fauna. They’re also proving to be entertaining at mandatory company fun days.”

Another officer at the conference suggested they could be used as signaling devices for soldiers stranded behind enemy lines, something the General quickly disregarded.

“No soldier of Crowndon would ever use these devices in such a manner,” the general explained. “If a soldier of Crowndon found himself in such a situation, it would be his duty to use the device to incinerate as many enemy combatants as possible. Let the ensuing inferno serve as a signal fire. Killing two birds with one stone…that’s Crowndonian initiative right there.”

Nor Eastern industrialist and philanthropist Sir Rigel Rinkenbach seemed exasperated by the general’s comments when asked for comment.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Rinkenbach said. “I wish I could say I am surprised. Leave it to Crowndon to find a military application for something intended to further the arts. Do you remember the South Monteddorian Water Pump fiasco? Because I do, and the results were disastrous.”

Blackwood Gazette #14: Crowndon Investigating Military Applications for Flare Gun Technology

Blackwood Gazette # 13: Crowndon Capitulates to La Pierre, Gold Recovered, with a Catch

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CrowndonDeliversHaggis

20/5-After several days of debate, and increasing pressure from the citizens of Crowndon, the Imperial Air Corps agreed to Roderick La Pierre’s terms to exchange the wealth of Lower Crowndon for a pot of haggis.

“We cooked it up, just like he demanded,” Deputy Chief Arthur Collingsworth said. “We rendezvoused in the early morning hours over the Divide, and sent a single ship to deliver the foul smelling dish.”
Once the haggis was delivered, Collingsworth watched the exchange through a telescope from his cruiser, concealed in a nearby rock formation.

“The lunatic looked right at me,” Collingsworth said. “I watched in horror as he dumped the haggis over the side and gave me a lewd hand gesture. His entire crew then climbed up on deck and exposed their buttocks. I feared the whole operation had gone awry at that point, until he sent us a message via signal lamp.”

The message read: YOU DIDNA THINK I’D BE SO STUPID AS T’EAT ANYTHING YOU BOYS COOKED UP FOR ME, DID YA?

When we asked Collingsworth if he did lace the haggis with some sort of toxin, he denied to comment.

“In any case,” Collingsworth continued, “He then proceeded to send us the coordinates to the gold, one hundred leagues to the south, in a cave rigged to explode after a set amount of time. I wanted to pursue, but I had not dared to bring more than my cruiser. With no other ships in range, we needed to proceed to the site.”

And what did they find when they arrived?

“We found the gold, just like he said. It was buried under the two tons of tuna that started this whole mess. It had been sitting in that cave out in the desert for almost a month, rotting in the heat. The smell is nearly unbearable, and we have no idea how we’re going to sanitize the gold at this point. The real kick in the teeth was the lack of a bomb. Wiley bastard.”

The incident has left everyone in Crowndon wondering what La Pierre’s motivation behind all of this was.

“Don’t ask me,” Collingsworth said. “I’m convinced the man is a complete lunatic.”

Blackwood Gazette # 13: Crowndon Capitulates to La Pierre, Gold Recovered, with a Catch

Vicarious Viewing: Game of Thrones- “Mockingbird” Review

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Petyr Baelish, Littlefinger, the Eyrie, Game of Thrones, Mockingbird Review, Game of Thrones season 4, Mockingbird, Game of Thrones review
image via MTV.com

I’m just going to come right out and say: I wasn’t really feeling this episode. After the insanity that has been pretty much the entire season so far, and the intense political plays of “The Laws of Gods and Men”, this episode served as a deep breath before the last three episodes of the season.

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Vicarious Viewing: Game of Thrones- “Mockingbird” Review

“Godzilla” Review: Hail to the King, Baby

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When I was a kid, about ten or eleven, I had a nightmare about Godzilla. I was in one of those big industrial warehouses, the kind with the frosted windows. Outside, the world was on fire, and in the fire I saw a massive shape moving toward me. I couldn’t see what the shape was, exactly, but you know how dreams are…sometimes you just KNOW things. The warehouse began to burn, with me in it, and there was nothing I could do.

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“Godzilla” Review: Hail to the King, Baby

Blackwood Gazette #12: Klankenvroot to Rinkenbach: “Let’s See Who Gets in the Air First.”

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RVK

15/5-A representative for Klankenvroot Industries issued a press release yesterday stating that plans to build the world’s first commercial Planar Wing Aircraft are proceeding ahead of schedule.

“We are half-way through the concepting stage,” said the representative. “None of you probably knows what that means. It pretty much means we’re halfway there.”

Not to make things too easy for Klankenvroot, however, long time rival and fellow industrialist Rigel Rinkenbach issued his own statement in response to Klankenvroot’s claims.

“His press release is complete and utter poppycock,” Rinkenbach said. “Sorry for the redundancy, my dear girl, but it bears repeating where Ivan is concerned. The man is a moron. I’m sure we here at Rinkenbach R&D could not only design such an aircraft before Klankenvroot, despite his head start, but we could build it and have it taking passengers halfway through a maiden voyage before he ever hits the factory floor to build a prototype, never mind an actual PWA.”

Klankenvroot was quick to respond, going so far as to rent out the entirety of the Empress Hotel in Oeil de Fleur for a press conference.

“Rinkenbach is still riding off past successes,” Klankenvroot said. “He thinks that just because he is the Father of Planar Wing Aviation–a title which is debatable, by the way–that he is the KING of such. THAT is poppycock. When was the last time he did anything of note? That’s right, the war with Crowndon. Everything since has been a commercial failure*. If he wants to get into an industrial race with me, let him. Let’s see who gets in the air first. He could use a lesson in humility.”

Rinkenbach then held his own press conference, the next day. He rented out two hotels for the press (and meals included: full disclosure). He stood before the microphone, and half of the world’s press.

“Challenge accepted,” Rinkenbach said, and such was the extent of his statements.

*Editor’s note: Rinkenbach Research and Development’s shares have been consistently high in recent months, and his products have made a profit. We here at the Gazette are unsure what Klankenvroot was referring to in his statement.

Blackwood Gazette #12: Klankenvroot to Rinkenbach: “Let’s See Who Gets in the Air First.”

Blackwood Gazette #11: Man Claiming to be Roderick La Pierre Assumes Responsibility for Tuna Heist; Holds Gold Hostage in Exchange for Haggis

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13/5-The offices of the Blackwood Gazette received a strange letter this weekend. Since much of the letter is ineligible and/or contains an over abundance of language inappropriate for the Gazette, we have chosen only to present the relevant information rather than reprint the letter in its entirety.

The letter claims to be from disgraced Crowndon Admiral Roderick Beauchamp La Pierre, and he claims responsibility for the First Imperial Bank heist late last month. All excerpts are printed with the original spelling intact.

“I’ve seen my name thrown around as a potential suspect,” La Pierre writes. “And I see that [expletive removed] Callingworth laughing at the idea. Yeah, well, I’ll show im. It WAS me that hit that bank. Me and me crew. Planned the whole thing. Just no one wants to admit it, ‘cos it were me.”

La Pierre then goes on a lengthy rant about the failings of the Crowndon military, and how the citizens of Crowndon would all be speaking ‘frog speech’ if not for him.

“I ain’t a greedy man…no, actually, that’s [expletive removed],” La Pierre writes. “I AM a greedy man, but for this instance, I’m willin’ to make things easy for all a’yer simple minds. I don’t wanna  keep the gold. I’m holdin it hostage. Not unlike that bank. I’ll be waiting at the location I wrote at the bottom of the letter. Bring only one ship, a small skiff, with one man and the ransom. I’ll give im the location of the gold. If I see another ship within five hundred leagues, I’ll dump the gold into the deepest part of the barricade ocean.

“Me demands is simple, see. I want a nice, steamy pile of Crowndonian spiced haggis, just like me mam used t’make. All the gritty bits, with a side of  the pasties. I want it delieverd to the location I talked about before, and I want it tomarrah. Any funny business, and I blow the gold t’kingdom come, y’hear!”

When we asked Deputy Chief Arthur Colingsworth for comment, he was skeptical.

“No one has seen La Pierre for years. Reports are he’s dead. This is just some prankster that read the rumors spread by your paper and thought to run with it. Even if it was La Pierre, we would be unable to acquiesce. Crowndon does not negotiate with pirates.”

Blackwood Gazette #11: Man Claiming to be Roderick La Pierre Assumes Responsibility for Tuna Heist; Holds Gold Hostage in Exchange for Haggis

Vicarious Viewing: Game of Thrones- “The Laws of Gods and Men” Review

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Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister in the Game of Thrones Season 4 episode
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This week’s episode was full of characters seeking justice: Yara seeking justice for her brother, Theon; A son seeking justice for his father; and a kingdom seeking justice for its murdered king. But as Tyrion says in the trailers for Season 4: if you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place.

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Vicarious Viewing: Game of Thrones- “The Laws of Gods and Men” Review

Friday Free For All: Where, No One Knows Book Cover and Trailer Updates

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Book cover, concept artFirst up, an updated image of my proposed cover art for Where, No One Knows. Still a bit rough around the edges, but I’m liking it so far. It’s a combo of digital art made in Photoshop and 3D models created in 3DS Max. I’m still figuring out what type-face I want to use and text placement, so any input that may be had is appreciated.

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Rigel Rinkenbach, Roderick La Pierre, and Klaus Klaudhopper, crew of the Pernicious Platitude

Next up is a group shot of some of the other characters in the novel, featuring some of the art I’m working on for the novel’s trailer. I’m aiming for kind of an art nouveau look for the trailer. Not sure how I landed on it, other than I like it. Can’t really think of a better reason for anything than that. I’m probably completely off base on what art nouveau is (my quick definition: illustrations with really heavy outlines), but whatever. I’ve put too much work into the trailer thus far to change the look of it now. It’s fly or die time, at this point.

Friday Free For All: Where, No One Knows Book Cover and Trailer Updates