Blackwood Gazette #7: Wealthy Socialites Marry, Immediately Divorce; Set New World Record

April 29, 2014 rybpiercearistocrats, aristocrats joke, Blackwood Empire, blackwood gazette, celebrity culture, celebrity divorce, celebrity marriage, copyright @rbpierce2483.wordpress.com, fictional journalism, flash fiction, humor, satire, short fiction, steampunk, the aristocrats, writing1 Comment

29/4-Thousands of friends, family, and well wishers gathered in Monteddor City today for the wedding of Yolanda de Santana and Armin Chevelle. De Santana is the daughter of Montedorrian Blackwood magnate Marco de Santana, and Chevelle is a popular purveyor of adult publications in Nor Easter.

The ceremony was appropriately lavish, with a red silk carpet serving as the bride’s walkway and a flock of rare Sarnwainian Bluebirds being released upon the completion of the vows.

“Oh, it was so beautiful!” said famous fashion designer Gustavo Frederick-Alanstead Gallardo. “I had literal tears in my eyes. It was literally amazing! Weddings always make me cry rivers. Literally!”

No sooner than the Bluebirds were released, recaptured, and served in a stew, did the newlywed couple turn from the priest (Chevelle’s uncle, ordained purely for the purpose of this ceremony) to their lawyers. A family lawyer represented Chevelle, the infamous Guiseppe Le’Saul. De Santana was represented by her mother.

With the terms of the divorce already agreed upon beforehand, and thanks to a series of complicated loopholes in the Monteddorian legal system, the newlyweds finalized the dissolution of their marriage with a single signature. Their marriage lasted a grand total of one minute, 15 seconds, setting a new world record. Chevelle himself set the previous record of one minute, 18 seconds last year.

With the divorce finalized, the guests attended an opulent reception where they feasted upon the finest dishes in Monteddor, prepared by the greatest culinary artists from around the Triumvirate. Dishes served included barbequed whale and roasted chicken-hogs from the Divide, an exceedingly expensive dish as there are only twelve known to exist (there were one hundred before the wedding took place).

“It all looks and smells delicious,” said popular pin-up Pippi Tralala. “I do not partake, however. I subsist solely on sunlight and air.”

After the meal, the guests celebrated by dancing. The night’s festivities ended with a completely debauched orgy, documented by Chevelle’s own film crews using the newest moving picture cameras. The documentary, simply titled ‘The Aristrocrats’, will be available on all Chevelle Corporation Kinetic Viewers by next month.

Blackwood Gazette #6: Bank Full of Fish Gets Cleaned Out…In More Ways than One

April 24, 2014 rybpierceAirship Pirates, bizarre heists, Blackwood Empire, blackwood gazette, copyright @rbpierce2483.wordpress.com, fictional news, flash fiction, heist, heists, humor, pirate, pirates, Pixie Sinclaire, retro-futurism, Roderick La Pierre, satire, short fictionLeave a comment

24/4-After nearly a week long closure, the First Imperial Bank of Crowndon reopened this morning. Unfortunately, when the Bank manager opened the doors and took stock of the bank’s holdings, he discovered something disturbing.

“They took everything!” The manager said, through tears. “Almost a fifth of the city’s gold and silver, gone. You would think you can trust a crew of menial laborers with a vault full of gold.”
Authorities aren’t so sure that employees with sticky fingers are to blame, however.

“We are working under the theory at this moment that the entire thing was orchestrated,” said Deputy Chief Arthur Colingsworth. “The ship crashing into the bank, the dumping of the fish, the cleaning crew, everything.”

If this theory proves to be true, it would certainly make for one of the most bizarre heists in Crowndon history. Who could be the mastermind behind such a cunning task?

“We have a small list of candidates,” Colingsworth said. “The most popular candidate among the men right now is Pixie Sinclaire, but that’s only because she has a following in the department. The most reasonable explanation is a crew of pirates or mercenaries set the whole thing up. Probably a crack team led by Captain Ferdinand Gnash, or Seylene Plamondon.”

When asked if there was any truth to the rumor that the caper had been pulled off by former Crowndon Admiral Roderick Beauchamp La Pierre, who is rumored to have gone pirate, Colingsworth laughed.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

One is left wondering how such a thing could happen. Shouldn’t there be protocols in place to ensure that so much money can’t be stolen?

“You mean, protocols for when a ship full of tuna crashes into your bank and renders an entire city block uninhabitable for nearly a week?” The manager said. “No. We don’t have protocols in place for that.”

Blackwood Gazette #5: Airship Carrying Fish Crashes into Bank; Special Cleaning Crews Required

April 22, 2014 rybpierceBlackwood Empire, copyright @rbpierce2483.wordpress.com, flash fiction, humor, pulp fiction, retro-futurism, satire, short fiction, steampunk, writingLeave a comment

It looks like the citizens of lower Crowndon are going to have to cut open their mattresses. A commercial fishing ship crashed into the First Imperial Bank of Crowndon’s lower branch this weekend.

“It’s one of the dangers of airship society,” the bank manager said. “I always knew something like this would happen. I just didn’t know it would happen to me!”

The crash occurred in the middle of the afternoon, during peak hours. Several injuries were reported, but no one was killed. The biggest injury was likely to the egos of those present.

“The ship hit the roof, broke through, and split open,” one fish covered customer told me from behind a special cordon, twenty feet away. “Never seen nothing like it. The fish just spilled out. I was right under it. They’ve done scrubbed me down twenty times in five different solvents and I still stink. I tell you, my wife is going to be [angry].”

The ship carried a full load of Barrier Sea tuna, famous for its taste, and infamous for its odor. This reporter isn’t sure how that works, but apparently it does.

“The entire bank reeks,” a teller said. “The main lobby, the furniture, the bank notes themselves. We’ve several million dollars worth of gold and silver. We couldn’t give it away, the smell is so bad.”

The First Imperial Bank has called in a special crew of cleaners that deal with Barrier Tuna spills. The clean up is expected to take several days. In the meantime, it is recommended that no one travel within two blocks of the bank.

“This is really inconvenient,” said a nearby business owner. “It doesn’t just hurt the bank’s business…it hurts the entire area’s. Namely, mine.”

Blackwood Gazette #4: Tragedy Strikes the Empress Theater in Oeil de Fleur

April 17, 2014 rybpierceBlackwood Empire, blackwood gazette, copyright @rbpierce2483.wordpress.com, fake news, fictional journalism, flash fiction, humor, humour, Retrofuturism, satire, short fiction, steampunk1 Comment

17/4-Today is a sad day in the history of the arts, as the Empress Theater, the oldest stage in the civilized world, was reduced to ash last night during a performance of Delando’s newest magnum opus. Officials say the fire started during the show’s final act.

“It was that scene with the wizard,” one survivor claimed. “He raised his hand to shoot the fire ball, and he just burst into flame.”

Writer and Director Delando’s representative (Delando himself was unavailable for comment, as usual) denied allegations that the play’s signature special effect, achieved with a new invention called the ‘flare gun’, was the cause of the inferno.

“Delando’s official stance on the matter is that the actor playing the wizard spontaneously combusted,” the representative said. “The actor is a known lush and had spent several hours under the hot lanterns. The heat set the alcohol in his blood alight. The fact that he was wielding an unknown, untested gun that shoots fire balls is pure coincidence.”

Regardless, “Fires…” has been suspended pending further investigation into the matter.

Related: Fires of D’Kalm D’Korr Opens…

Blackwood Gazette #3: Politician Killed in Purrrfect Assassination (sorry)

April 15, 2014April 15, 2014 rybpiercearufina villanova, assassination, Blackwood Empire, blackwood gazette, cat stories, cats, copyright @rbpierce2483.wordpress.com, creative exposition, fake news, fictional journalism, flash fiction, scarlet circle, short fiction1 Comment

The Governor of Walsh, Thedore Francis Williamsburg of Thorndyke the Third, was found dead this morning. Cause of death: he was suffocated…with his pet cat, Peaches.

“It was the strangest thing I ever saw,” said Governor Williamsburg’s maid, who discovered the body. “I came into the room, to wake [the governor], and found him dead, covered in cat hair.”

Inspectors say that the death was likely foul play. When asked about the motive and possible suspects, they refused to comment. That hasn’t stopped members of the Governor’s social circle from speculating.

“If you ask me,” said one prominent friend of the deceased who asked to remain anonymous, “It was the Scarlet Circle. This has their stench about it, believe me. They specialize in this kind of [madness]. Who knows who’s going to be next? Worse, who knows how they’re going to go?”

No one seemed all that shaken up about the Governor’s death. The question on most peoples’ tongues is the welfare of the cat. House staff report that Peaches is unharmed, if a bit traumatized.

“Let’s see how you feel after being used as a murder weapon,” said the maid. “She was huddled up in the corner, hissing at anyone that came near. Poor thing.”

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