17/4-Today is a sad day in the history of the arts, as the Empress Theater, the oldest stage in the civilized world, was reduced to ash last night during a performance of Delando’s newest magnum opus. Officials say the fire started during the show’s final act.

“It was that scene with the wizard,” one survivor claimed. “He raised his hand to shoot the fire ball, and he just burst into flame.”

Writer and Director Delando’s representative (Delando himself was unavailable for comment, as usual) denied allegations that the play’s signature special effect, achieved with a new invention called the ‘flare gun’, was the cause of the inferno.

“Delando’s official stance on the matter is that the actor playing the wizard spontaneously combusted,” the representative said. “The actor is a known lush and had spent several hours under the hot lanterns. The heat set the alcohol in his blood alight. The fact that he was wielding an unknown, untested gun that shoots fire balls is pure coincidence.”

Regardless, “Fires…” has been suspended pending further investigation into the matter.

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