Blackwood Gazette #15: Imperial Representatives Tease New Joint Project Between Triumvirate Members

27/5- The Triumvirate is buzzing today with the news of an upcoming reveal of a joint project between the empires. Representatives from Crowndon, Nor Easter, and Monteddor met on the neutral soil of the Divide to announce the upcoming reveal of a large scale, co-operative project.

“We’re working on something on a scale the world has never seen before,” said Admiral Derval McTavish, of Crowndon. “It promises to be a paradigm shift in how we deal with certain problematic aspects of society in the new industrial age.”

The Monteddorian representative, Governor Enoch Haversham, offered a similarly opaque statement.

“This is first time the Triumvirate has worked so closely together on something this large,” Haversham said. “Trust me when I say, it will do wonders for our respective economies and help to further solidify the delicate balance of power that our Empires share.”

The teaser of the upcoming announcement has been met with a mixed reception of pride, confusion, and rampant speculation on the part of the common citizen.

“I don’t know what any of this means,” one man said. “What did they announce again? ‘Something big’? What does that even mean?”

“I’m quite excited about whatever it is they’re doing,” said a Nor Eastern woman. “Any time the powers that be put aside their differences and work together, it’s a good thing. Except of course when it isn’t. Hmm…now I’m skeptical.”

Speculation of what the project might be has sent political analysts into a frenzy.

“It could be an announcement concerning the Blackwood Grove,” one analyst said. “We don’t like to face it, but our stores of Blackwood are running low. Perhaps we’ve decided to investigate the progress Sarnwain has made in refining fossil fuels?”

Conspiracy theorists have come out of the wood work as well, spouting their endlessly entertaining nonsense.

“All of this ‘across the aisle’ business is [expletive removed],” wrote Oculus, the notorious editor of the underground rag, The Exhumanor (not a real word, mind you), and user of excessive exclamation points. “Their[sic] is no damn aisle! The aisle is a sham! This all just a ruse, to get you to look in a different direction! This is the first stage of there[sic] master plan! They’re[sic] plan is to round us up, keep us contained! Just you wait! After that, they’ll kill us all!”

More on this story as it develops.

Blackwood Gazette #15: Imperial Representatives Tease New Joint Project Between Triumvirate Members

Blackwood Gazette #14: Crowndon Investigating Military Applications for Flare Gun Technology

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22/5-It seems as though the flare gun tech that allegedly caused out of control fires during performances of Delando’s fantasy epic ‘Fires of D’Kalm D’Korr’ has attracted the attention of the Crowndon military.

“I can think of a hundred uses for such a device,” said Ground Corps General Henry McTolliver in a conference last night. “They could be used to ignite containment vectors around enemy encampments from a safe distance, or to quickly liberate potential bivouac areas of enemy flora and fauna. They’re also proving to be entertaining at mandatory company fun days.”

Another officer at the conference suggested they could be used as signaling devices for soldiers stranded behind enemy lines, something the General quickly disregarded.

“No soldier of Crowndon would ever use these devices in such a manner,” the general explained. “If a soldier of Crowndon found himself in such a situation, it would be his duty to use the device to incinerate as many enemy combatants as possible. Let the ensuing inferno serve as a signal fire. Killing two birds with one stone…that’s Crowndonian initiative right there.”

Nor Eastern industrialist and philanthropist Sir Rigel Rinkenbach seemed exasperated by the general’s comments when asked for comment.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Rinkenbach said. “I wish I could say I am surprised. Leave it to Crowndon to find a military application for something intended to further the arts. Do you remember the South Monteddorian Water Pump fiasco? Because I do, and the results were disastrous.”

Blackwood Gazette #14: Crowndon Investigating Military Applications for Flare Gun Technology

Blackwood Gazette # 13: Crowndon Capitulates to La Pierre, Gold Recovered, with a Catch

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20/5-After several days of debate, and increasing pressure from the citizens of Crowndon, the Imperial Air Corps agreed to Roderick La Pierre’s terms to exchange the wealth of Lower Crowndon for a pot of haggis.

“We cooked it up, just like he demanded,” Deputy Chief Arthur Collingsworth said. “We rendezvoused in the early morning hours over the Divide, and sent a single ship to deliver the foul smelling dish.”
Once the haggis was delivered, Collingsworth watched the exchange through a telescope from his cruiser, concealed in a nearby rock formation.

“The lunatic looked right at me,” Collingsworth said. “I watched in horror as he dumped the haggis over the side and gave me a lewd hand gesture. His entire crew then climbed up on deck and exposed their buttocks. I feared the whole operation had gone awry at that point, until he sent us a message via signal lamp.”

The message read: YOU DIDNA THINK I’D BE SO STUPID AS T’EAT ANYTHING YOU BOYS COOKED UP FOR ME, DID YA?

When we asked Collingsworth if he did lace the haggis with some sort of toxin, he denied to comment.

“In any case,” Collingsworth continued, “He then proceeded to send us the coordinates to the gold, one hundred leagues to the south, in a cave rigged to explode after a set amount of time. I wanted to pursue, but I had not dared to bring more than my cruiser. With no other ships in range, we needed to proceed to the site.”

And what did they find when they arrived?

“We found the gold, just like he said. It was buried under the two tons of tuna that started this whole mess. It had been sitting in that cave out in the desert for almost a month, rotting in the heat. The smell is nearly unbearable, and we have no idea how we’re going to sanitize the gold at this point. The real kick in the teeth was the lack of a bomb. Wiley bastard.”

The incident has left everyone in Crowndon wondering what La Pierre’s motivation behind all of this was.

“Don’t ask me,” Collingsworth said. “I’m convinced the man is a complete lunatic.”

Blackwood Gazette # 13: Crowndon Capitulates to La Pierre, Gold Recovered, with a Catch

Blackwood Gazette #12: Klankenvroot to Rinkenbach: “Let’s See Who Gets in the Air First.”

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15/5-A representative for Klankenvroot Industries issued a press release yesterday stating that plans to build the world’s first commercial Planar Wing Aircraft are proceeding ahead of schedule.

“We are half-way through the concepting stage,” said the representative. “None of you probably knows what that means. It pretty much means we’re halfway there.”

Not to make things too easy for Klankenvroot, however, long time rival and fellow industrialist Rigel Rinkenbach issued his own statement in response to Klankenvroot’s claims.

“His press release is complete and utter poppycock,” Rinkenbach said. “Sorry for the redundancy, my dear girl, but it bears repeating where Ivan is concerned. The man is a moron. I’m sure we here at Rinkenbach R&D could not only design such an aircraft before Klankenvroot, despite his head start, but we could build it and have it taking passengers halfway through a maiden voyage before he ever hits the factory floor to build a prototype, never mind an actual PWA.”

Klankenvroot was quick to respond, going so far as to rent out the entirety of the Empress Hotel in Oeil de Fleur for a press conference.

“Rinkenbach is still riding off past successes,” Klankenvroot said. “He thinks that just because he is the Father of Planar Wing Aviation–a title which is debatable, by the way–that he is the KING of such. THAT is poppycock. When was the last time he did anything of note? That’s right, the war with Crowndon. Everything since has been a commercial failure*. If he wants to get into an industrial race with me, let him. Let’s see who gets in the air first. He could use a lesson in humility.”

Rinkenbach then held his own press conference, the next day. He rented out two hotels for the press (and meals included: full disclosure). He stood before the microphone, and half of the world’s press.

“Challenge accepted,” Rinkenbach said, and such was the extent of his statements.

*Editor’s note: Rinkenbach Research and Development’s shares have been consistently high in recent months, and his products have made a profit. We here at the Gazette are unsure what Klankenvroot was referring to in his statement.

Blackwood Gazette #12: Klankenvroot to Rinkenbach: “Let’s See Who Gets in the Air First.”

Blackwood Gazette #11: Man Claiming to be Roderick La Pierre Assumes Responsibility for Tuna Heist; Holds Gold Hostage in Exchange for Haggis

13/5-The offices of the Blackwood Gazette received a strange letter this weekend. Since much of the letter is ineligible and/or contains an over abundance of language inappropriate for the Gazette, we have chosen only to present the relevant information rather than reprint the letter in its entirety.

The letter claims to be from disgraced Crowndon Admiral Roderick Beauchamp La Pierre, and he claims responsibility for the First Imperial Bank heist late last month. All excerpts are printed with the original spelling intact.

“I’ve seen my name thrown around as a potential suspect,” La Pierre writes. “And I see that [expletive removed] Callingworth laughing at the idea. Yeah, well, I’ll show im. It WAS me that hit that bank. Me and me crew. Planned the whole thing. Just no one wants to admit it, ‘cos it were me.”

La Pierre then goes on a lengthy rant about the failings of the Crowndon military, and how the citizens of Crowndon would all be speaking ‘frog speech’ if not for him.

“I ain’t a greedy man…no, actually, that’s [expletive removed],” La Pierre writes. “I AM a greedy man, but for this instance, I’m willin’ to make things easy for all a’yer simple minds. I don’t wanna  keep the gold. I’m holdin it hostage. Not unlike that bank. I’ll be waiting at the location I wrote at the bottom of the letter. Bring only one ship, a small skiff, with one man and the ransom. I’ll give im the location of the gold. If I see another ship within five hundred leagues, I’ll dump the gold into the deepest part of the barricade ocean.

“Me demands is simple, see. I want a nice, steamy pile of Crowndonian spiced haggis, just like me mam used t’make. All the gritty bits, with a side of  the pasties. I want it delieverd to the location I talked about before, and I want it tomarrah. Any funny business, and I blow the gold t’kingdom come, y’hear!”

When we asked Deputy Chief Arthur Colingsworth for comment, he was skeptical.

“No one has seen La Pierre for years. Reports are he’s dead. This is just some prankster that read the rumors spread by your paper and thought to run with it. Even if it was La Pierre, we would be unable to acquiesce. Crowndon does not negotiate with pirates.”

Blackwood Gazette #11: Man Claiming to be Roderick La Pierre Assumes Responsibility for Tuna Heist; Holds Gold Hostage in Exchange for Haggis

Blackwood Gazette #9: Man Pays for Meal with Smelly Gold, Arrested in Connection with Tuna Heist

6/5-A new development in the story of the great Crowndonian Fish Heist, as the authorities are now calling it:

Martin Camwell got an ugly surprise after a dinner last night.

“I ordered a steak,” Camwell said. “Been wanting a steak, you see. Haven’t had none since the Crown seized my milliner’s shop and I got thrown out on the street. When I was done I tried paying for it with this bit ‘o gold a stranger gave me.”

That’s when the restaurant owner noticed something odd.

“Gold smelled bad,” the owner said. “Literally. At first I thought it was the bum, but when I recognized the hint of fish, I pieced it together with the robbery downtown.”

The restaurant’s proprietor contacted the authorities while the wait staff kept Camwell occupied with a dessert menu. When the city watch arrived, they took Camwell into custody, claiming that he did nothing wrong.

“I’m inclined to believe him,” said Deputy Chief Arthur Colingsworth, head of investigations into the heist. “He has no criminal record, and his story checks out. He’s also a bit of a lack-wit and a coward, so I doubt he had anything to do with the robbery, neither its execution and certainly not its execution.”

Colingsworth asked Camwell to provide a description of the man, which Camwell did.

“He described him as average height, ginger hair, mutton chops, and a gray over coat,” Colingsworth said. The inspector then alluded to the possibility that the mysterious man gave Camwell a message, then backpedaled when pushed on the subject.

“We have no further information on the subject at this time,” Colingsworth said, and disappeared into his office.

Charges against Martin Camwell in connection to the heist were dropped. However, he has been kept in custody on charges of vagrancy and disturbing the peace of the restaurant’s wealthy patrons, who report that the smell of the gold, and Camwell, offended them.

Related: Bank Full of Fish Gets Cleaned Out…

Blackwood Gazette #9: Man Pays for Meal with Smelly Gold, Arrested in Connection with Tuna Heist

The Shroom Job Part IX

Eli had no way of knowing how long they’d been in the air. The sun had gone down long ago and showed no signs of rising anytime soon, as far as he could tell.

The two pirates had brought a lantern and set it up on the crate between them. It cast just enough light to see the cards by. Moths swarmed around the weather beaten thing, trying without success to get to the tiny gas flame inside.

The pirate with the pipe reached out and plucked one of the moths out of the air. He crushed it in his palm and looked at the powdery white carcass.

“Ay, Gola,” the pirate said in an accent that indicated he was from somewhere in the southern provinces of Crowndon. “Ya think I’kin smoke this buggy?”

Gola gave the pipe smoker an exasperated look and said, “Don’t know. Don’t care. If you’re so curious, why don’t you put it in your pipe and try it.”

The pipe smoker regarded the carcass a bit longer, removed his pipe from his mouth, and tilted the moth’s remains into the bowl. He took a pinch of leaf from a pocket on his shirt and packed it in good and tight. Gola watched all of this with a vague amusement as he shuffled and dealt the cards.

The pipe smoker struck a match and lit the pipe. One, two, three puffs of smoke. He sat there, as though deciding what he thought. After a few seconds, he began hacking violently.

Gola laughed at his comrade. When the pipe smoker vomited, Gola laughed even harder. The pipe smoker regained himself and tapped his pipe out on the floor. He kicked the remains toward the open cargo door.

“Nawp. T’aint smokable.”

Gola shook his head and continued dealing. A gust of wind blew in through the door. This had happened several times through out the night, and every time the cards scattered about the car. This was the first time, however, that the wind blew one of the cards up to the top of the crate wall, a few feet down from where Eli lay.

Shit, he thought to himself. The two pirates went about picking up the cards. They checked the cards as they did. Gola paused.

“There’s one missing,” he said. “The Whore of Rains.”

“Ah, that’s no good,” the pipe smoker said. “I quite favor the picture on that one.” The pipe smoker did another quick scan along the floor, while Gola started back to the crate.

“Come on back, Pabyo,” Gola said. “The cards gone.”

Pabyo, who had moved to the side of the car opposite of where Eli lay watching, turned and started back toward the crate. He was about to sit down when another moth flew past his face.

“Ay!” he said, swatting at the insect. His eyes followed the moth, darting up and down. And then, they stopped, fixed on a point at the top of the crate wall. Eli felt like Pabyo was looking straight at him.

“There she is!” Pabyo said, pointing.

“Huh?” Gola said, and looked up. “I don’t see nothing.”

“Right there!” Pabyo said, hurrying toward the wall with his bony elbows bowed outward, working tirelessly as he moved. He stopped at the base of the crate wall, where one of the boxes had fallen earlier. He stepped up on it, and Eli saw his head pop up over the edge.

Long, gnarled fingers reached up and grabbed the card. Eli tried to fold in on himself, as if such a thing was possible. Pabyo was so fixated on the card, however, that he didn’t notice Eli. He just stood, grinning at the card, teeth gleaming with a yellow-brown sheen in the faint gas light.

“Yup!” he said, “That’s her–”

He stopped. Now he really was looking at Eli. The dumb look on his face twisted into a horrifying mask of fierce wrinkles, his dull eyes flashed with violent intent. Pabyo the stupid pirate had become Pabyo the blood thirsty monster.

“Who’s you?” he demanded. Eli didn’t reply, struck dumb by the shock of being spotted and the sudden change in Pabyo’s demeanor. Pabyo’s thin arm shot over the edge of the crate wall and grabbed Eli’s collar. His grip was like a rusty bear trap. He pulled Eli out and Eli fell, hard, to the ground. His broken ankle banged against the floor and the pain brought bright spots in his vision.

“Pick him up and toss him!” Gola snarled. Pabyo picked Eli up and dragged him over to the door, but he did not toss him.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Throw him and be done with it!”

“Nah, not yet,” Pabyo said, and brandished a knife. “I wanna smoke his right eye.”

Eli saw the point of the blade move toward his eye and turned his head. He waited for what felt like an eternity for the knife to bite into the soft flesh of his eye, but it never did. Instead, he heard Gola shouting.

“Stop, Pabyo!” he said, rushing forward. “Look at his hip.”

Eli opened his eye and saw Pabyo’s gaze move down. The dumb look returned. What were they looking at?

“He must be the guy,” Gola said. “Pull him in, set him down.”

Pabyo pulled Eli in and pushed him toward the crate. Eli stumbled toward it and sat down. When he did, the revolver in his right holster scratched against the wooden surface of the crate.

“You a cartographer?” Pabyo asked.

“Y-yes,” Eli said, straightening himself up and trying to sound assertive.

“Kind of young for a Cartographer, ain’t you?” Gola said. “Or at least, young for a traitor. Usually only ones go bad are the ones been around long enough to know every thing they been told is a crock.”

Eli didn’t know how to respond, so he didn’t. He could only hope that his surprise about being right didn’t show.

Well, perhaps being “right” wasn’t the best descriptor. He’d just been speculating about rogue Cartographers based on rumors he’d heard.

However, if Hester was a rogue agent, wouldn’t they have been expecting a woman?

“How much do you know about me, and how I operate?”

Pabyo and Gola shared a look. Pabyo raised his shoulders.

“Captain Delamore didn’t say nothing to us, ‘cept that he has a Feral Cartographer in his pocket,” Gola said. Eli nodded, satisfied with this answer, but Gola went on.

“Come to think of it, he didn’t say nothing about you being here.” Gola’s eyes became suspicious. Pabyo’s hand worked around the grip of his knife.

“Wasn’t supposed to be,” Eli said. “I came back here to check the cargo when you all attacked, so I decided to wait. It took you idiots so long that I got bored and fell asleep.”

Pabyo and Gola’s heads snapped back as though they’d been slapped.

“B-but, we didn’t know you’d be here!” Pabyo said. “Knowing might’ve given us the proper motivation!”

Eli fixed him with his eyes and smirked. The speed with which he was constructing and falling into the character of a rogue agent didn’t surprise him. He’d always been a good liar.

“Motivation? Do you really need motivation to do the best work you possibly can? Don’t you take pride in your work, man?”

Gola snickered and said, “I’ve been telling him for years, ever since we was kids in Dux-”

Eli snapped to Gola, shutting him up.

“Since you were kids? And he still doesn’t listen?”

“I, uh…”

“And you still put up with it? What the hell does that say about you?”

Gola’ s mouth worked up and down, but no protest came out. He put his head down and walked away, muttering to himself.

“It ain’t his fault,” Pabyo said. “He’s like a big brother to me. I’m a bit slow in the head.”

Eli responded only by pulling the revolver and giving it a quick inspection. Pabyo got the hint and moved over to where Gola sat, his feelings hurt.

The surface of the revolver was flawless, with nothing to distort his reflection except for the shape of the gun. It had been Violet’s. He wondered if she’d somehow survived, and if she did, would he? This was a game he didn’t know how to play.

Pabyo cried out from where the two pirates had been sitting. Gola stood over him, yelling in Monteddorian, and reached down. He grabbed Pabyo by his hair and dragged him to his feet. Pabyo’s pipe fumbled out of his hand. Gola caught it and jammed it bowl first into Pabyo’s mouth. As Pabyo choked on it, Gola hauled him over to the open cargo door, grabbed him by the front of the shirt, and threw him out of the car. Eli watched in stunned silence as Pabyo disappeared into the night, trying to scream and unable to.

Gola turned and said, “Been waiting to do that for years. I guess I just needed the ‘proper motivation.'”

To Be Continued…

This is part nine of the The Shroom Job. The rest of the story can be read here. The Shroom Job updates on Saturdays.

The Shroom Job Part IX

The Shroom Job, Part VIII

The jungle came alive with a myriad of sound that Violet had never heard before. Some sounds were familiar, crickets and the like. Many were down right alien. Hester kept to the center of the tracks, away from the tree line on either side of them, and Violet followed suit.

The moment Hester had spoken of, when it felt as though fire covered her entire body and she wouldn’t be able to carry on, had come and gone. And come again, and gone again. Four times the wave of pain hit her, and each time proved more difficult to push through than the last.

Continue reading “The Shroom Job, Part VIII”

The Shroom Job, Part VIII

The Shroom Job, Part VII

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Violet opened her eyes to a blurry swirl of orange and green. She rolled over onto her back and pain shot through her body from her right side. Her teeth grit against the pain and tears welled up in her eyes, further blurring her vision.

Trails of smoke led by bits of flaming wood still arced through the sky above her. The sky itself had deepened to shades of red and purple. The shape of a person limped into view above her.

“You alive, kid?”

Continue reading “The Shroom Job, Part VII”

The Shroom Job, Part VII

Serial- The Shroom Job, Part 3

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“How many rounds do you have left for that thing?” Hester asked, leading them to the rear of the car and squeezing herself into the tiny space between the door and the wall.

“Three,” Violet said, somewhat embarrassed. The feeling only grew when Hester fixed her with a perturbed gaze.

“I can only hope the other three rounds now reside within the corpses of three pirates,” Hester said. Violet’s failure to reply prompted a frustrated roll of Hester’s eyes.

Continue reading “Serial- The Shroom Job, Part 3”

Serial- The Shroom Job, Part 3