by Hunter O’Leary, Business

1/7- The repercussions of Roderick La Pierre’s recent theft of several thousand pounds of Crowndon gold continue to pile up, as Imperial Authorities say that attempts to sanitize the gold after being buried under tons of rotting barrier tuna have proved fruitless.

“We’re keeping the gold in an undisclosed location, far from populated regions,” said the newly appointed Deputy Chief Nathan Garvey. “The first companies we contracted with the service reneged on their contracts before entering the building; the smell overwhelmed them, despite the gold being kept in a vault fifty feet under ground.”

Those companies that actually made it into the vault to clean the gold had no luck.

“We tried everything we could think of,” said one such contractor. “Industrial solvents, complex experimental procedures. We even flooded the chamber with tomato juice, as a last resort. Made it worse, if anything.”

The Crowndon Treasury has grown impatient, and says there is only one sure fire way of eliminating the odor.

“We’ve decided to take the gold and smelt it. We didn’t want to do that, because it will result in a loss of volume and will take several weeks to smelt, reform, and recirculate, but we can waste no time. People have been saying Crowndon is in an unrecognized economic bind…well, this is us recognizing it. Lower Crowndon is hurting.”

The question remains: are La Pierre’s actions going to remain unchecked?

“Not on your life,” said Garvey. “The Air Corps is putting together a special task force aimed squarely at La Pierre’s pirating operation. They’re going to hit him so hard his ancestors will wish they’d never been born.”